So I’m out here in Santa Fe writing through the haze of smoke, can barely breathe and kinda wish I was back home in the Bronx where people might get shot but we don’t get burnt up in a forest fire. The epic wildfires in Arizona are completely out of control and are sending plumes of smoke across 200 miles of land. In case you were wondering, that’s a lot of fucking smoke coming from far away.
First, to all those suffering from loss of homes, life and safety due to these fires, my heart goes out to you. Might be a lame thing to say but I mean it, I hope you and your kids and families get somewhere safe. I’m inhaling that shit from all the way over in Santa Fe, I can’t imagine being right in the middle of a raging fire.
That being said, this whole business of fires and mother nature got me thinking. When NYC got blasted with like ten thousand feet of snow this past winter, Andy Bororwitz of the HuffPo made up an awesome story about how some right wing Bible basher ::cough Pat Robertson cough:: said it was us queers that summoned them snow clouds.
“God didn’t want us fagging up the city during Christmastimes.” that’s my quote btw, i’m paraphrasing the parody article by Bororwitz. But how off the mark is his parody? Can’t you just hear Pat Robertson or someone like him saying that? Oh Pat Robertson, part of me wishes you had actually said this, it would add some humor to all the other ridiculous things you DO say. When will you meet your maker? Anyway, I don’t wish death on anyone but if we needed to thin the heard, I could think of a few prime folks. Anywhoozits…
So let’s try and play spin the Bible. Spin, spin, spin. Starting with Noah’s Ark shall we? I mean humor me for a second. God was righteously pissed off at the world and decided to flood it. Noah was cool, so God said, “Noah you better build some kind of ark cuz I’m about to drown these mofos but I like you and want you to live.” Forty days and nights of rain turned into blue skies and RAINBOWS and doves.
Then God said, “Hey man, sorry about all that water. I won’t ever do that again. But, you know, I’m kinda into fire. So next time I destroy the earth, it’ll totally be with fire.”
ahems: 2 Peter 3:6-7 Whereby the world that then was, being overflowed with water, perished: But the heavens and the earth, which are now, by the same word are kept in store, reserved unto fire against the day of judgment and perdition of ungodly men.
I have this feeling that if NYC was ablaze, Pat Robertson, Jan Brewer, Family Radio, Newt Gingrich, and probably Reuben “even though my granddaughter is gay, I’d rather fight against her equal rights” Diaz, Sr., would really all be shouting how it was the GAYSSSSS that brought down the fire.
The way Arizona Republican politicos have been treating people of color and queers, God is probably thoroughly pissed. Am I saying these fires are an act of God? No, I mean they could be maybe, but I’m sure God’s got other thangs going on. I’m just spinning things around for once…
Gays would rather be blamed for stuff like unicorns, glitter, women’s lacrosse teams and dance remixes to all the best pop songs, anyway. haha
If you want to help out with Arizona Fire relief efforts, hit up the red cross: Arizona Wildfires RC