Top Ten Reasons You Should Shut The Fuck Up

*disclaimer – this you includes me. it includes all of the people who talk all of the time about an array of similarly disappointing topics, using varying degree of treachery to dominate all doomed conversations.

yes, you too, b*tch

so here’s my list for everyone.

10) You don’t know what you’re talking about. You read that shit off a news headline on FB and now you’re the expert on unfit pageant mothers, Mitt Romney’s Mexicanism and Heidi’s breakup with Seal.

9) You’re speaking VERY LOUDLY and still not saying shit. Everyone really wants you to shut the fuck up. You just don’t have the common sense to do so.

8) You’re not letting anyone else talk. All of a sudden it’s the “You Monologues” starring you, written by you and performed at an obnoxious rate of self indulgence, by YOU. Nobody cares and anyone who did care stopped like twenty minutes ago.


7) Someone else might actually know something you don’t. I know that seems completely insane/impossible and borederline heretical to you but it CAN HAPPEN. I promise.

6) It’s not that serious. I guarantee you that 9 times out of 10 what you’re talking about will not even be a blip on the radar in 5 months…

5) You’ve just insulted someone and are now trying to apologize while simultaneously still attempting to prove that you’re still kinda right. Por ejemplo:

‘ you know it’s just that you have to get larger sized jeans to avoid muffin top, jenny.

‘you think i have a muffin top, becky?’

‘no, well, we all have to deal with what we’re given and you need larger jeans. then no one would see the muffin top, i mean don’t get all offended or anything…”

Becky, just shut the fuck up.

mmm, muffin tops...

4) Everything you say can and will be used against you by a court of your peers. Someone may have even recorded you going on and on about other people’s lives, this shit you saw on funny or die or the way you’ve been suffering as a size 8 all of your life and it’s going up on YouTube as proof to how you can’t ever just stfu.

3) Because it’s exhausting. Not just for people to be around you but damn doesn’t your constantly open mouth make you tired?

2) Silence is sanity.

and the number one reason you should shut the fuck up is….

1) You will get your loudmouth ass kicked. One day the wrong person/crossingguard/angrymother/dunkindonutsemployee/pitbull is going to hear your fucking rude, relentless, insipid jabbering and give you a nice blow to the face, gut, balls and/or pride. You’ve been warned.

thunderKitty looks sweet but his sword will slice yo ass, son.

Pass this along to everyone. We all need a little bit of the shut the fuck up in our lives.

Did I leave out any major reasons? Happy Wednesday, muthasuckas.

2 thoughts on “Top Ten Reasons You Should Shut The Fuck Up

  1. would it be so wrong if I were to tag my son in this? (He’s 18, though. And he seriously needs to shut the fuck up. Thinks he’s grown & knows something. Whomever began the thing where they set 18 as the age of majority was either childless or insane. Pssht! 18. You cant even keep your room clean!)

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s