Top Ten Reasons Not to Kill Yourself on Valentine’s Day

So before I wrote that title I was moping around but now I’m laughing. So far, a good start to a new post. If you’re newly single or just a jaded New Yorker, Valentine’s Day can seem like such a fucking waste of time. It’s such a Hallmark/Lifetime/Zales/You’re an idiot and will buy things when we tell you to type of “holiday”. This doesn’t mean that i don’t believe in love. On the contrary, I fucking love love. Love should be respected, honored and cherished every single moment you’re alive to take a breath. Love is EMBARRASSED by Valentine’s Day the same way Jesus is embarrassed by modern day evangelical hate filled Christianity. Yeahhhh buddy, I said it. Love is EMBARRASSED by V-Day. Love wants to whip out it’s pretty purple dick and smack you in the face the second you stroll into CVS looking for that last minute box of shitty chocolates.

Now this is not to say that love doesn’t deserve its own day of celebration. Cuz it does bitches. So V-Day isn’t all bad. It’s really how you celebrate. Are you the type who is romantic and sweet all year and uses V-Day to go HARD with the love shit? Is V-Day the day you call every single one of your Aunts and tell them how lovely and beautiful they are? Are you right now as you’re reading this making a love card with some cute little kid for some other cute little kid? Then you’re ok in my book and me, you and love gots no beef. But if you’re some fucking jackass douche bag man or woman or genderqueer and you use V-Day to make yourself look less like a douche…then I hope Cupid stabs you in the eye. ::insert crazy wheezey raspy gabby laugh here::

But if you’re a sad and lonely heart looking for a way out on a day where no one is calling or texting you with love; no one has asked you to be theirs or invited you out on a date and the walls are caving in and you need escape, then I’ve got a list for you as to why you need to keep on keepin’ on cuz V-Day is just another day and the world NEEDS YOU.

* This list is written with love and humor. Suicide is a terrible fucking thing and I only make light of it to share a little hope. If you have suicidal thoughts please contact someone you love or If you are a youth who is feeling alone, confused or in crisis, please call The Trevor Lifeline at 1-866-488-7386 for immediate help.

Top Ten Reasons Not to Kill Yourself on Valentine’s Day

10) Killing yourself can be messy. I mean it’s bad enough you don’t have a date, right? Why shed blood, tissue and shit everywhere and make things worse?

9) Sometimes it doesn’t work. You could end up paralyzed or blind or some other fucked up shit (much love to born blind people) that would make your situation much worse. Think of Martha DumpTruck from Heathers...

8) Cuz SOMEONE in this world DOES LOVE YOU and why would you do that to them? In one second you will fuck up the rest of someone’s life and all the loneliness in the world isn’t worth having that on your spirit forever.

7) Because then the Lifetime channel will make a movie about you and my mom will want to watch it and I will CURSE YOU.

6) If you kill yourself now, you’ll never meet that person or group of people that make the world click. They’re out there. I promise. I know this for a fact cuz you are here and you still need time to find out how YOU CLICK. Once you figure that out all that other shit will fall into place…

5) Valentine’s Day is pretty much a lie and if you let it fuck with you then the LIARS WIN. V-Day was originally this pagan holiday to celebrate how f*cked up and masochistic people were like it was a day where pagans skinned goats and flogged themselves. N then the Catholic Church was like “um Jesus said ya’ll can’t do that. How about we make red cards instead?” You can’t let some imaginary day take away your VERY REAL AND BEAUTIFUL SELF.

Pagans getting their Lupercalia Day on:

4) Whitney Houston dying was ENOUGH. No one should die or kill themselves for a very long time. Ok, universe, you hear me?

3) There is CANDY and CHOCOLATE to be EATEN. Holy shit, kid, tomorrow CVS/WALMART/TARGET will have ALL THEIR CANDY like on 100% clearance! That’s when bitches like me run in with ten bucks and leave with an armful of yummy goodness. If you check out today, you will MISS THE YUMMIES!

nom.nom.nom. i are happy fat bitch day after vday.

2) There is help and you must FIGHT. You must dust your pretty self off and FIGHT for your life. FIGHT for love, for quality treatment, that is your job. It is your job on Valentine’s Day, on every day you breathe air into your lungs, you must fight and keep fighting until your fight turns into triumph and then you keep fighting for other people who can’t fight alone. So you’re alone on this VDAY then FIGHT for love tomorrow. Take Yourself Out. Take Out A Friend. Tell Someone about what is happening that is making you unhappy. OPEN YOUR MOUTH AND SCREAM. Email me. Every step is worth it.

1) Love is everywhere. I promise you that cuz I know it’s true. Love is everywhere the same way that hate and meanness and injustice are everywhere. The world is a complicated, messy beautiful place and you are thrust into it to make it yours. Love is in turning off your computer and taking a walk in the park. Love is in helping your mom cook dinner. Love is calling the police cuz your drunk uncle is beating his wife and you won’t take it anymore. Love is volunteering. Love is responding to a text message with a phone call that turns into a lunch date. Love is you are NOT ALLOWED to kill yourself.

i love you.

Bonus Reason: Cuz St. Patty’s is just around the corner!

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