the one lesbian i need

isn’t here anymore. we’ve discussed this. anyone who knows me or has ever read this blog knows that my friend died.

people die, i get it, it hurts. blah blah blah. insert all of the things people say. matter fact here’s a quick list:

1) she will always be with you

2) she’s in a better place

3) she’d want you to be happy

4) god needed her

5) time heals all wounds but you will always miss her

These are the things we say because WHAT ELSE can you say? What is the proper response to lingering life-altering grief? No one can help anyone through that in any sort of magical way. It’s being there, calling back, checking in and saying all those five things and then some. Sometimes those five phrases bounce off my ears like bad checks. Sometimes from the right person just one is enough to keep me here on this earth.

This is going to be  a short post, i think. I’ve been missing her so much lately. i have to let it out. I’d been super good and busy for a minute and DEALING. Positively dealing with everything on my plate. (By the way, I terminated my domestic partnership so there’s also been a bit of a lesbian divorce situation in my life.) Anyway, this is LIFE right? so whatever, my struggles and shit aren’t harder than yours. They’re just mine.

So I’ve been missing Christina like whoa this week, super mega whoa. It’s hard to describe because it makes me feel like a baby: vulnerable, tear soaked and in need of a good hold to the chest. She had this soft spot for me: half wiser big sister and half indulgent big sister. Always listening to my shenanigans, thinking I’m adorable and funny and ALWAYS with some kind of practical solution to whatever dilmma du jour. To be honest, it’s the infinite level of indulgence that I miss from her the most. Someone to just totally dig my vibe and be sweet about it cuz she knew me so well. Little things like being able to talk about how to get back in the game after being in a relationship for 8 years (all of the games like just getting back to knowing myself for starters), knowing she’d tell me to come visit her in Chicago and that she’d have taken me everywhere and introduced me to every single chick she could just to make me smile and that even when i went too far with a joke or something anti-feminist, she’d laugh, school me and hug me.

i even miss our bitchy moments when i’d think she was being too bougie and forgot her bronx roots and she thought i was being too ghetto and not enlightened enough about all of the important queer things. i miss her calling me out. i miss telling her to download this hip hop track or check out this video for a new hot chick. i miss her annoyed messages when the phone tag went on for just A LITTLE too long because “um bitch, why aren’t you calling me back?”

and her squeaky laugh that i hear in my sleep…

so many ANDS, so unable to be coherent or grammatically correct when talking about her.

note: i have beautiful friends that love me and are still alive. they do their best to hold me down and support me. i wouldn’t be half as functional right now without them. i do not for a second take any of them for granted.

but in my quiet moments, there’s this one person who had twenty years of my life in her heart and in her laugh that i miss so very much. there’s no way to ever rebuild that. no one will have that space for me in their life or that cariño for me. whatever, i’ll live. i’m living…i just wish it was with her still here.

i reach for my phone, scroll for her number and stop dead in my tracks…like “ohh…right….”

i need advice from her point of view. I contribute to Autostraddle, have mad queer friends and yet the only lesbian love advice that would suit me would be hers…

she knew about chicks and love and activism and the combination of all three plus a few stiff drinks.

i need my girl, my Nena. why do posts about her turn into such long expressions of grief? long like an instant, long like the time i’ll be left here missing her…

there are so many things that I only want to share with her.

i was going to post a poem i wrote and performed Monday night about her here but I want to polish it up. Make it the best it can be before I share it. She’s hopefully already heard it and i feel like she’s like “girl, you can make that better” haha.

maybe i’ll just keep it in my purple notebook.

oy. christina elena santiago, you have my heart.

who do you miss?

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