Top Ten Text Rules for Homos/Erryone

I’m really only writing this post cuz I’m already over the Brian McKnight singing about vaginas thing. It was funny at first and still is but mannn, how boring is it to imagine Brian McKnight going down on anyone?

#alreadyasleep

Let’s Do Some Rules of Texting a Hot Chick, shall we?

please insert women of all colors, shapes and sizes into this picture as well. kthanksbye

10 – Don’t text her

seriously, hot chicks get TEXTED ALL THE TIME by punks who don’t know how to holler and who hope that by sending some lame ass text, they’ll get some cutty. in the words of NewNew from ATL: Uh uh, nah, not gon’ happen. *note- this only applies if you’ve exchanged numbers, meaning she has yours, if she doesn’t then, yes, text her.

9- Do text back

jeez man, play it somewhat cool. give her some time to remember your face, miss it and then she’ll text you, for realz. i promise. just go with it. when she texts you, text back within the same amount of characters. do not reply to her text with your life story.

8- Don’t add emoticons to everything

are you fucking twelve? if so, disregard step 8 and emoticon away! seriously, those big yellow dopey ass faces are a thing? text me that and i’ll shoot you right in the emoticon.

7- Don’t always send the last text

especially if you’re going to send some shit like “k” or “nite” or “insert some old bullshit here”. sometimes it’s ok to just let her last lines live until the morning.

6- Do Consolidate

nothing is more annoying than 11teen texts that are less than three words long telling someone something you coulda said in ONE TEXT. every time you make her phone beep more than it has to you’re that much further away from being inside of her. got it?

5- Do Send Pics

*not just of your duck lips. sometimes sending something you see like a dope graffitti tag or some kittens is enough to let her know you’re thinking of her. do not feel the need to send a follow up paragraph text describing all of your feelings.

4- Do You

the world doesn’t need to stop because someone texted you. finish that paper, drive home without checking it and/or handle your business and then reply. trust.

3- Do take a PAUSE

“did she just write that?” or “uhm, excuse me bitch, what?!” are thoughts that sometimes enter the mind when a text seems like it’s coming from a bitchy place and then all off a sudden you’re typing in all CAPS and shit just fell a part. so remember that tone/intention/attitude are super hard to read via itty bitty texties. so take a pause and ask yourself “is this really what she’s saying or something I’m implying?”

2- Don’t Recap Your Daily Routine

por ejemplo: hey, girl, hey, so i just woke up, walked my dog, went on autostraddle.com, am thinking about making tofu and lesbian spaghetti for dinner, now my foot kinda itches, now i’m eating nilla wafers, just brushed my teeth, oh shit just broke my kill record ::insert name of game here:: – don’t do that, son. just don’t.

and the number one text rule is:

1- Call Her/They/Him/Unicorn/However they identify

now i’m not saying to call after the first text or even the second. the move to call should be specific. it should be because the text convo you’re having is turning into something detailed, awesome, intellectual, intimate, something WORTH hearing their magnetic voice. the call should never be wasted. so choose wisely.

ninja said what?!

got any tips i missed? feel free to leave them in the comments.

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