Facebook Gangsterism

Facebook Gangsterism is an epidemic. It eclipses obesity in the amount of people it infects every day. Unlike obesity however, FBG, isn’t something you can tell a person has just by looking at them. The insidious nature of FBG is one of the main reasons why it needs to be studied and written about so that we can all be prepared to deal with it.

Let’s begin.

Facebook Gangsterism: (noun) A condition in which grand proclamations are made via social networking sites, specifically FB but not limited to it, regarding the nature of one’s ability to retaliate, commit violence against or outsmart another individual or group. In essence all statements made are hollow, false and do not indicate what the reality of a physical meeting between both parties would entail. FBG allows someone to transcend the limits of their actual abilities and present a grander more threatening version of their wak ass self.

FBG Status Update Examples:

“Ya’ll don’t know me, son! If I see you in the street, I will CUT YOU and your whole family.”

truth: I really wish you liked me and I don’t understand why you don’t. It makes me feel unworthy.

“Yo bitch, I know you’re talking that shit wait til I see you. Imma be lookin’ up n down the block fa ya ass, bitch.”

truth: I trusted you and you gossiped about me. Now I’m home on my computer trying to figure out what to do with all my feelings.

“Keep actin’ like I don’t know who you are. I’m not the one, kid. Straight up on everything I love and my godson’s LIFE, if I catch you, Imma drop you. Run tell dat.”

truth: I have a godson.

Facebook Gangsterism is a tolerable state for children between the ages of 12 and 17. Seriously, after that, enough is enough. Fucking stop it. Here’s the thing. Yeah, it’s your FB or twitter or whatever but then you blast that shit out into my life and I just can’t handle it. Mainly cuz it’s all LIES.

I’ve NEVER EVER seen anyone I know that’s guilty of FBG actually lay down the law on someone. For all the tuff gal, rude boi talk that comes from certain people’s status updates, you’d think everyone would be able to successfully communicate their feelings and aggression to deserving parties, right? But no, sadly, no. When it comes down to it 99% of people who actively indulge in obscene amounts of FBG can’t handle any sort of confrontation.

you know the type. loud as a motorbike but wouldn’t bust a grape in a fruit fight…

hova understands.

So then there’s someone like me. I am not a Facebook Gangster. I am not any type of gangster at all. I am some chunky homo rican nerd that daydreams about clouds and eats coconut popsicles. I fear only babies and spirits. No man or woman or fist can keep me from being myself. In that, if I have feelings and want to know something or express something, I will. I will call you. I will come to your house. I will set up a meeting to wop it out. So I find it SO fucking funny when I confront top level FB Gangsters and get a voicemail box, or catch their ass running out the club or once I get them on the phone, it’s all jokes and “I was just kidding” and “It wasn’t really like that.” Oh rllllyyy? Be about your Shit, son.


just COME on….who am I anyway? No one. So if I’m coming to you for clarification about something, be real. But No…I guess that’s the foundation of FBG, the fact that people can’t own up to their bullshit, right? Cuz see I can admit right here right now, that I’m not a fighter. In fact, if you tried to fight me sober, you’d probably win. Also, I’d probably wanna write a poem about my defeat but the difference is that I’d step into the ring. I’d go down trying. I’d try to talk to you first. I wouldn’t sit in the fucking stands hiding behind my keyboard and my momma’s ass hoping not to be called out.

So what’s worse? What’s the bigger defeat? Getting your ass beat? Or dodging the fight?

I’ll always take a licking. Ha. Yup that’s exactly what she said, kids.

I’m just over the grandstanding that doesn’t equate anything actually happening in someone’s life.

What can you do about FBG?

Well if you’re the one afflicted with it just fucking stop. Sit your ass down. Turn off your computer and think about why you spend so much time being a fake-ity fake fake. Ponder why it is you can’t just tell people to their faces why you feel a certain kind of way.

If someone you know, love or tolerate is suffering from FBG, here are some tips to help you cope and maybe break the ugly cycle of addiction:

1) Call them OUT. If FB is their platform of choice, then feel free to say something like: OH REALLY? are you really gonna slice that bitch? like so when we go out tonite and you see him/her/them out, you’re actually gonna say something like using this alleged knife of yours?

2) then call everyone you know and have them show up and make sure that your FBG friend knows that the entire night is dependent on whether they’re gonna be real about their shit. Watch what happens or what doesn’t.

3) Make a mock status reiterating their statements but make up scenarios even more fantastical. Por ejemplo:

Bitch when I see you out in the skreet, imma gather up all my LIONS and FALCONS and we are gonna rumble. Swear to god, b, like tear at your flesh and shit. and then imma CAST A SPELL and turn you into a peanut butter and jelly sandwhich and then i’mma EAT YOU!

(make sure to tag said FBG in this post and me too, so i can laugh my wheezing ass off.)

And so maybe you’re a grown up and you don’t care what other people put on their FB status and that’s cool. #clapclapbravo

Maybe it’s cuz I live in the Bronx but I deal with this shit way too much from people.

FBG slips into people’s real life attitudes about themselves and that’s where the trouble begins. Also, it’s contagious and if a group of friends or family all get infected then it’s a no win situation. You must remove yourself from the group or be forced to realize that you too have become someone who is completely full of shit and so full of shit that you believe all of these ridiculous things about yourself and cannot comprehend the fact that you’re one big fucking joke.

I’d have told you this to your face if you would have picked up your phone/answered your door and been about your shit.

life motto: Be About Your Shit.

last but not least: leave FB alone. it didn’t do nuthin’ to you and doesn’t deserve your lying stupid bullsnap.

feel freel to share your stories with FBG in the comments. make me laugh ya’ll.

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