I’ve stayed away from my blog for like two months. I’ve been busy and wary and feeling like I needed some privacy. Not that anyone really reads this blog but me and my friends but but still the internet is forever.
Also, i’ve been meeting new people for months and dealing with them in really intense sort of ways so I just needed to keep a little bit of life to myself. But now I feel all neglectful, like the woman on the corner who doesn’t bring her dog inside at night and won’t make eye-contact with me cuz I know and she knows that I know. Anyway, yes I feel like that woman.
The thing with blogging too is that it solidifies your nerd status and puts you in competition with other nerds. and and damn if queer women aren’t some of the most badass intelligent sophisticated nerds on the planet and well, the imagined pressure of being the most on top of things or interesting or just not wak, kinda got to me. so many things to write about and be concerned about and protest against. being an internet nerd queer writer is emotionally exhausting, especially when you’re also an expert in procrastination and self-doubt. I had to step away and be a weirdo in my own quiet space.
oh and a real job…yes, I have one of those now and was directing a web series and entertaining new people and prepping for A-Camp and Vegas and dealing with stupid bullshit and dealing with fun fun fun fun/WORK – so when the choice is to be outside or blog, I hope the answer is always to be outside.
today it is rainy and greyyyyyyy in waves like extra Ys in a word. i want to ride it and this blog is what happens when I’ve got a little spare time and there are pictures to upload, brunches to have and quiet space in volumes.
i forget that a writer’s space is everywhere, like church and communion. existing and invisible. together. man man, and that everything counts, like using bar napkins, lipstick on mirrors, blood on sheets, words scrawled in sweat through fog from tears. it’s all important. save room for empty. save room for days with no pictures, no memes, no videos, no screeeeeeeeens, save space for words. type type click click.