quirky vanity & ways to smell your dapper best

 

first, happy holidays homos, hope everyone felt some love blessings, ate good food and for a few seconds forgot how craptastic the world can be.

disclaimer: i don’t normally write or think about makeup or any other types of beautifying things cuz whatever. teevee does that for everyone and it kind of sucks. but, you know, in the spirit of being dapper, sometimes we wanna go that extra mile and look foxy from eyelashes to wing-tips. no one ever taught me about makeup and the women i grew up around either wore Blanche Devereaux layers of make-up or none at all. so i’m gonna share some tips and products for the clueless queers that are out there cuz if there was a clueless me then i know there’s a clueless you.

flawless makeup, bish.

mostly, i think women folks and queermos and humans don’t need half the damn make-up worn. i like shiny faces that say “i just woke up. please kiss me’ and Kardashian face doesn’t do that for me. so let’s start small and stick around in that little tiny space. shall we?

Eye-liner:

holy shit, you can blind yourself if you don’t know what you’re doing. the eye-liner thing is a breeze for most but for the rest of us, applying it is kind of like walking a tight rope under your eyeball. now here are a few tricks to applying eye-liner:

1- Let a hot femme do it for you. Seriously, I got every  foxy chick, queer or otherwise, I knew in college to apply it for me. one, it’s obvs a way to get super close to someone pretty without being a creeper. honestly, my friends did most of the applying.  doing it that way made me feel connected to this world of girl that i’d never felt a part of before. my friends loved doing it. i’d also sometimes get my brows done this way too. so find a friend with fierce make-up and do some asking.

2- DIY. Oy here’s the part that takes the most practice. First and foremost, invest in solid eyeliner. I’ve spent years buying eyeliner at the 99 cent store and have felt like I’ve been scrawling on my lids with a No.2 pencil. — Seasoned make-up wearers already know this. If this is you, feel free to stop reading my beginner tips and watch this Beyoncé video:

ok ok, back to eyeliner– So yeah use a soft eyeliner, especially if you’ve got stubby fingers like me. I recently bought Nano eyeliner by Sephora (order it in black). For $5 you and your eyes get some peace of mind.

srsly, this eyeliner is the shit.

Steps for stubby fingers applying eyeliner:

1- Bright lights and a clean mirror help. So step close.

2- Use whatever hand you write with to hold the eyeliner.

3- Use middle finger of free hand to pull down on your cheek a little, kinda of sideways. This helps me make the line of my eyelid taught.

4- Gently, slide the eyeliner from one corner of your eye to the other along the bottom lid.

5- For the top lid, I’m still perfecting that. Shit is crazy up there and you gotta be prepared to wipe it all off and start over. Some people can do the one handed top eyeliner roll on and others like me, pull the skin taught along the temple and slowly run the eyeliner along the top of the eyelid.

6- Most days, I give a good sugar butch F.U. to the top lid and only do the bottom.

Mascara:

The same purchasing rules apply for mascara, go cheap and end up looking like Janice Dickinson after a bender or spend some cash and maybe you too can look like glam fab Ellie Conant. –Another disclaimer, I’m sure a bunch of you use organic makeup made from beets, licorice and the souls of newly planted trees, feel free to send those tips my way. I’m the type of person that’s on the go and forgets my birthday, so i dash into CVSs looking for make-upy things and pray for the best.– So far the mascara that works is lashblash fusion from Covergirl. I can’t believe I just wrote that sentence. Anyway, anyway, this shit is fat and purple. So even the stubbiest of fingers can work this with the best results.

Application Methods:

1- For years, I did the blinking trick. You hold the brush as close to your eye as possible and then blink your eyes closed so that your lashes brush the mascara. This is a good tool for beginners.

2- Now, I hold the mascara brush like an ice cream scoop, dip under my eyelashes and brush up. It’s kind of like picking out a fro but with eyelashes.

**other things**

That’s where my dabbling in makeup stuff ends. I don’t do blush, foundation, bronzers, shellacks, or anything else that involves spreading something on my face. I like to keep my skin and pores clear. Also, I have super sensitive skin and sometimes makeup makes me sneeze.

But seriously ya’ll a few more things just cuz, they’re important.

Lotion:

It’s cold outside and there is nothing sexy about ashy foreheads, noses, knees, or elbows or nipples for that matter. — yes, even nipples get ashy. — Like I said, I’ve got nerdy skin and it breaks out whenever it doesn’t like something and so it’s taken me awhile to find the perfect lotion. Avalon Organics Peppermint Lotion is my shitttt, ya’ll. Seriously, it smells amazing. It’s thick enough to handle my Puerto Rican ash without leaving that gross greasy feeling.

mad flavors

Hair Oils:

My hair is dry, curly and still very much a pain in the ass. In wintertime, it’s ridiculous and won’t respond to gel or conditioners. Last year, I started using lavender oil in my hair and all hail that because it’s amazing. If you live in Brooklyn, make a stop at Khane Kutzwell’s barbershop on Eastern Parkway or order online. Khane sells some amazing essential oils for hair created by a bomb ass woman who also does amazing work on locs. Just a quarter size amount in the palm of your hand, works for an entire scalp. And again, your whole entire being will smell so so good and your hair/scalp will give thanks.

essential oils, ya'll.

essential oils, ya’ll.

Cologne:

light blue D&G – classic. there’s probably new scents out there but when i find something good. i stick with it. also, somehow i’ve been gifted with this cologne twice and haven’t ever had to drop $$$ on it. that’s why i’m not posting a pic. Shit is expensive and I’m only gonna showcase things I have actually purchased.

*** the point ***

New Year’s Eve is coming and I’ve spent many a holiday scrambling to figure out my look and myself while having anxiety attacks over dumb shit like makeup, what to wear, what to do with my hair. Maybe I’m just a late bloomer but I’ve got a little more of a handle on things like this and it totally helps. I’m definitely not an expert or a style person, mostly I just want to help. People tell me I smell good and have asked me about my eyeliner, so i figure maybe it’s a good thing to pass around. I imagine a little chubby weirdo like me, fists balled at her sides and stomping around cuz beauty stuff flows so effortlessly for some and is frightening for others. no one ever wants to explain it to a not so femme chick. Also, just cuz some of us are butch-esque with a flair for flamboyant hand gestures and purple ties, doesn’t mean we don’t dabble in makeup. We should share tips more often, you know over beer and the hum of a table saw.

when i googled ‘lesbians and power tools’, this was the first pic in my search.
well done, internet.

image courtesy of dyke haircuts dot tumblr dot com

                    smell and look good, mothasuckas.

happy homogays.

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