been awake since 5:45am. rumbling, daydreaming. trying not to shiver. the wheeze in my lungs sounds like howling winds during a lovestorm. hello winter, i’d forgotten what you do to me. had a solid evening with a friend last night. felt calm. came home. listened to classical music on el iPhone. wrote a letter in turquoise ink. fell asleep at 1am, woke up at 5:45am, ran five rules over and over again on blank sheet music in my brain. must share. must write down so i can go back to sleep.
five golden rules
1 – never chase a woman.
2 – never beg for sex.
3 – never believe you’re above or immune to mistreatment.
4 – speak clearly once.
5 – drink lots of water.
some explanations. clarity for myself. maybe also for whoever else is out there:
1 – people sometimes run away from me. the movies make it seem like the most noble thing to do is desperately chase. chase. chase. run after someone. drop your dignity and their accountability like loose change from leaky pockets. catch them at all costs. have asthma attack. ignore composure. hello, this is love. no, for me it’s bullshit. i let people run, walk, stomp, and or drink themselves away. haughtiness isn’t something i choose to indulge. sometimes also running away from me is the best thing a person can do. we could both use the space and time to think shit through. the only time not chasing is ever truly difficult is when i’ve actually fucked up on someone. even then, chasing them is more for me which is just more hard headed selfishness. better to write a letter. also, sincere pursuance of someone isn’t a chase. it’s a stroll that can and should turn its own corners based on my needs & not someone else’s whims.
2 – man, if someone doesn’t want to be intimate, bang body parts or dive into me, then that’s on them. yes, it’s important to have convos about sex but holy mother, the worst ones begin like this: why aren’t we having sex? are you not attracted to me anymore? just stop. i’ve just stopped. it never makes the sex better or occur more frequently. this also includes pleading for affection, badgering someone to cuddle. if someone can’t pay attention to me then i take myself on a date and let myself go all the way at the end of the night.
3 – i’ve hung out with some awesomely shitty people. wild ass badgirls that talk shit about everyone in the room faster than they could pop pills. somehow, i thought i was immune to the shit talking, back stabbing and general hatefulness. wow, way to be the most wrong about a thing. now when people show themselves and their ass to me, i pay attention, take a picture and hold those cards close to my wheezing chest.
4- i’ve always been afraid to speak my mind. raised in a household where my parents word was law, all authority figures needed to respected at all times and at any moment God could smite my whole world, kept me from being vocal when i felt wronged. mostly, i developed anxiety and bit my fingernails. i still bite them but now i also speak up. here’s the thing, i assumed that telling people how i felt would encourage them to change the way they treated me. i assumed that by saying: when this happens with you, i am sad. i’d really like it if this didn’t happen anymore. things would change. that they’d stop. but no, no no, not for a second, maybe with some people, people i didn’t have to ever say those things too. those are the ones that listen. but for the others, i’ve learned that i need only say things once. just so that i know i said my piece. the change in behavior is mine to make. if i say something to you once and maybe explain what i mean/need and you can’t/won’t adjust, then to keep fucking with you is my problem. i’ve got 99 already. why should you be one?
5 – in 1996 Oprah did a show about the merits of drinking water. in the 90s, Oprah was the closest thing to a guru I had and my grandmother watched her show religiously, so maybe she was also kind of like teevee Jesus. so i drank all the water, got none of the pimples. water cures hangovers, eases my migraines and is something i can feel sexy guzzling. so, amidst all the coffee and bourbon, water is my life blood.