haven’t written in forever. feel like most of my posts start that way. it used to be so much more regular. i’ve got to get back into my own head. mostly i’ve been reading books. all of the books. they make the anxiety, self-doubt, and insomnia fade away.
i’m writing because i can’t sleep. i’m on the other side of the country and probably should be getting up anyway but still. the dreams i’ve been having here are fucked up. i’ve only been at this retreat in the mountains for two nights and i’m already over these dreams. fun fact: the shining shot several exteriors in the mountains right near where i’m staying. everyone here is talking about the curse it left on this resort. this is probably all bullshit. but i didn’t hear about the curse until after i started having the dreams and i’m a superstitious old spanish lady anyway…so i must write or just be freaked out alone in a dark (but totally awesome) room.
dream #1 – high school style torment. i dreamed with someone i don’t dream with anymore. she is someone no longer in my life and no not my most recent ex. this is a person that abused their relationship to me and now we no loner have one. funny how often that has happened in the last year or two. like when you dive deep to protect yourself, people drop off the radar like bam bam pow. anyway, so in this dream, i’m chillen in front of a totally dope old school victorian style house like this one:
my tormenter is with people i used to know and love. they’re in a car and drive past me standing in front of this house. they throw bottles and firecrackers at me. the firecrackers explode on my skin. each time one of them makes contact a bolt of lighting flashes over my eyes and i see nothing but white while searing hot pain courses through my flesh. the fireworks give off their own colors. fuschia, neon green, banana yellow. the colors burst open my pores. it’s all flashes of pain and light and i can hear them laughing at me. the people and the colors. my tormentors drive away and my skin is back to normal. no more pain. but now i’m terrified and run from this house into the street. the streets turn into that hoodrat foolery neighborhood you get near a beach or a shitty local tourist based-redneck-ish beach town. not many places to hide or people to help me hide so i dive behind some bushes. while i’m hiding i see other people i used to know setting traps for me. heartbeats clutter my throat and i feel like i can’t breathe. i pass out. wake up gasping for breath. use my inhaler, fall back into the dream. i’m face-to-face with my main tormentor and her eyes are black. she can’t see me as a person. i am an animal. she goes to bite me. i run run run run into the fucking crazy house. all i hear is her voice saying “this will never end, gabrielle”.
WHAT THE FUCK? HOLY SHIT, I’M ON TOP OF MOUNT NIGHTMARES.
Dream #2: Enter the ex. Super normal. She pulled up in front of my house with her best friend. She had all her bags, a sob story, and had already called all my relatives to tell them she was coming and needed a place to stay and ‘of course, gabby will understand that she HAS to stay with me/us’. i didn’t know i was dreaming. i swore it was real life. i stood in the front yard pulling weeds with my mother. we wore white gloves and floppy old lady gardening hats.
she pulls up and stands over me, tells me her needs, hands me a beer and i puke on the cement driveway. i puke so hard my guts burn and i ran into the house. my father says “you can’t just turn people away”. i stop puking and say “yes the fuck you can”. now i realize i might be dreaming. mostly it’s cuz i don’t smell like puke anymore. i hug the ex’s best friend. he offers me a smoke. he says nothing. he smiles. i tell her she can’t stay. she’s gotta go. i can’t help. i take off the old lady gardening hat and hand it to my mom. i tell the ex that she can’t ever come back. then i go back to pulling weeds, still smoking this cigarette that tastes like peppermint. the ex kneels down in front of me. that’s all you had to say, gabby. she doesn’t speak these words but i know she’s telling me this. she leaves in a rush. i pull out more weeds and then lay on the cement driveway and take a nap.
ON TOP OF OLD WHAT THE HELL MOUNTAIN ALL COVERED IN CRAZY.
i woke up at 5:15am this morning. haven’t been able to fall back to sleep. i haven’t had dreams like this in forever. shit i haven’t even had dreams in months. this mountain is fucking with me. the ex dream wasn’t a nightmare but i woke up with my chest thumping. like why can’t i just be having dreams about being best friends with Andre 3000 and having Salma Hayek, and Raven Symoné as my wives? then they’d be Sister-Wives and I’d have my own show and that would be THE BEST FUCKING DREAM EVER.
time to take a damn shower. tell me about your crazy dreams or feel free to interpret mine.