– stayed home from work today because i had an asthma attack at 4am-ish. ran around looking for emergency meds wheezing and shaking like a crazy person.
– sat outside in the sunlight and worked from home. finally can breathe sorta kinda. it’s ok. hello, winter.
– miss my brother so bad. wish i could be more eloquent about it. wish we were sitting hip/butt to hip/butt watching teevee, eating ginormous bowls of cereal, and laughing like people who share dna and grew up together and actually adore each other.
– there are two kittens running amok on my block. they hiss when people coo at them and have escaped from the cat lady’s cage. i poked my head outside this morning and they sat looking at me and then flipped around at the same time and dashed off like “whatever, human. we out.”
– i’m on a tight but good budget and i don’t get wasted anymore. i feel like i never see anyone except for the following people: boo thang, work faces, my funny ass cantankerous padres, fluffy bitch dog, and the hood. yes, the hood is a person.
– A-camp is happening next week and i won’t be there because work is a priority. no complaints about that, i’m thankful for my job n shit. but damn like my heart is breaking because i won’t get to spend time with my people. i won’t get to be around the weirdos who shower me with love, respect, and goofiness. won’t be spending time at like the only place in the world where my presentation, orientation, physicality, spirituality, life experience and basically all the shit that make me real and human are praised and protected and wholly appreciated/loved. a-camp isn’t perfect, mostly cuz everyone can’t live on the mountain all of the time forever, but like a huge chunk of it is exactly what my perfect world looks like.
– just watched “strange addictions” and some dude named Davecat is married to a synthetic person aka a blow-up doll named Sidore. the show framed it in a way where the audience is expected to think he’s a weirdo. and he is but so am i and so is your mom. so keep on keepin on, davecat.
– reading Gilead because of a geeky work book club and it’s boring as hell but i can’t put it down cuz i’m waiting for the main character to die already.
– i miss having someone to walk with on the regular. the hood isn’t the most fun place to walk at any time of day but after dark and by myself, makes it about a million times less fun. i like walking. i wish there was a ‘bitches in the hood be walking together’ club. and no jeez, why do i have to start everything?
– chocolate bar from trader joe’s almost gone.
– i’m bad at rebuilding relationships. how do people do that? how do you go back to being a vulnerable, fuck-giving, connected and open person when you’ve shut someone out for very real reasons? maybe one text at a time? or like one lovely and awkward phone call at a time? maybe something like that.
– the government is on some bullshit. we’re living in the matrix. thank god for netflix.
– anyone know of a cool place to live that’s queer-friendly, easy on the wallet, and isn’t prone to super cold winters? take me there. i’m ready.
– if i die tomorrow, please let it be known that i don’t want to be buried in saint raymond’s cemetery, nor do i want some weird coffin thing, cremate me and stick me in a bio urn. i’m just saying. life is crazy. you never know. i’d rather be a tree, yo.
– my toes are cold.
– does anyone ever know where Carmen Rios is?
this has been a list of life stuff. maybe it’s boring. i can deal with boring. even night-parachuting daredevils need a gd break.