i haven’t posted a straight up blog post in months. people usually say life got in the way. too busy. working, school, sex, gym, eat, repeat. oh man blogging was just too much to fit into all that. nothing wrong with that game. it’s true. we’ve stacked so many things into our schedules that sometimes the small fun stuff gets pushed to the curb. given the choice between sleep or blog, i know i’d just sleep.
but for me, this silent time is for mad different reasons. i stopped blogging as in writing my actual feelings cuz i felt mad vulnerable and afraid. in 2012 i wrote an emotional, bitter, and super harsh post about something true that happened in my family. once i posted it, every single shit in the vicinity hit every single fan and ohmygod what a shit storm that was. i was threatened, intimidated, sternly talked to, emotionally talked to, reasoned with, pleaded with, and shamed for writing what i did. my words hurt people. i was hurt. so i hurt. i don’t and didn’t feel bad for telling my truth. i felt bad for writing in a reactionary manner, name-calling and being disrespectful to myself and people in my family . i wrote my post that same night that everything went down. i wrote with my bitch face on and my real feelings protected by anger. anyway, due to all the crazy that it spurned, i took down the post and said “fuck it” to this blog.
i forgot what private meant. like it’s apparently cool to talk shit in private BUT DON’T PUT IT ONLINE. i forgot that people read this blog and if they don’t, they have access to it via sharing. and boy did that post get shared and what hell that was. anyway. i’m trying to live my life as not an asshole and writing angry reactionary blog posts kind of makes me one. also, i’m not in the game of hurting people even if I feel hurt.
bad karma + bad karma never = happy ending, you know?
but i don’t want to be afraid to write anymore. i don’t want to feel silenced by my own anxiety. like who’s gonna read this and freak out? or how can i shroud what i want to say into anonymous oblivion? all that is so wak. i won’t write about specific incidents with my family anymore tho. that just seems like a waste of time and energy.
the whole thing has kind of kept me from writing publicly in general too. i’ve written less for autostraddle, for this blog, and for the community. i’ve gone to less events. i’ve kept a mad low profile. i haven’t wanted to give anyone that could potentially give me anxiety or cause me stress/heartache/pain access to me. it’s been like: mom, dad, girlfriend, katrina, work and that’s it. as long as it’s private and contained and safe, i’ve been semi-ok with interacting with humans.
i’m tired of living that way. i wanna get back to saying what i need to say and just dealing with whatever. i want to write in this blog like it’s a safe space. i know that nothing on the internet is safe. i get that but it’s still a small risk if i do it right. it can still be a place where i let out my feelings and ideas.
i’m writing this to convince myself that it’s ok. i’m writing this to knock the shame devils off my shoulders. i’m writing this to get started. i’m writing this cuz if i stay silent then i might as well just hide forever and watch tv and eat junk food and be a sucker and do what everyone tells me to and marry a man and wear a damn dress and grow out my hair and change everything to suit the behaviors that are expected of me and who the hell has time or the heart for all of that?
i pledge the following:
1- i will not use emotional violence to respond to emotional violence
2- i will not use silence in fear. i will use silence to honor thoughtfulness over reactionary behavior.
3- i will not let past struggles dictate present or future actions.
4- i will move in this world freely.
5- i will live for myself.
6- i will finish this cup of coffee, this blog post, and move about my day like whattt.