i am latina and i live

I AM A LATINA THAT HAS THOUGHT OF SUICIDE

I AM A LATINA THAT HAS THOUGHT OF SUICIDE

THIS MEANS

I

AM

A

LATINA

THAT

HAS

THOUGHT

ABOUT

KILLING

HERSELF

BREATHE THIS IN WITH ME

I

HAVE

THOUGHT

ABOUT

TAKING

MYSELF

TO

THE

END

and i wished it to be so

look me in the eyes

and think about what you see, think about what you see, what you see,

what do you see

i am nothing most days in the street

i am nothing

i am no one in these new york city streets

I AM A LATINA THAT HAS THOUGHT ABOUT KILLING HERSELF

I AM A LATINA THAT HAS THOUGHT ABOUT KILLING HERSELF

i am not sofia vergara

i am not sofia vergara

i am not jennifer lopez

i am not jennifer lopez

am i latina?

am i?

what am i?

the dark comes to me on subway trains

i am awake rumbling home, i am alone.

i am alone

i live inside of the subway, i am afraid in my home

there is no one to catch my tears there is only someone who wipes them away once they’ve settled into the cracks and into the shit on the floor of the subway car

there is only that person who sweeps them into a bag of hot cheetos and dumps them into a black canister and this person wishes for a better life

one without my tears, one without everyones shit on the floor

but they don’t see me either

they don’t see me either

i am always on edge, i am always on a ten even when i could be a seven

no, i do not work here

no, i do not work here

I AM A LATINA THAT HAS THOUGHT ABOUT SUICIDE

I AM A LATINA THAT HAS THOUGHT ABOUT SUICIDE

PLEASE LOOK AT ME

PLEASE LOOK AT ME

PLEASE SEE ME

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

WHY DO I HAVE TO ASK SO NICELY?

when i don’t smile you are afraid

i am that latina girl at your white job, that is me, i am she and when she doesn’t smile you are afraid and you don’t know how to say it but she knows you are afraid cuz you are afraid because when she is tired she isn’t pleasing you, when i am tired i am not pleasing you and you are afraid and you are afraid

and you make me so so tired

so tired

so tired

I AM A LATINA THAT HAS THOUGHT ABOUT KILLING HERSELF

I AM A LATINA THAT HAS THOUGHT ABOUT KILLING HERSELF

PLEASE LOOK AT ME

PLEASE LOOK AT ME

i am not cleaning your house, my mother is not cleaning your house, my grandma isn’t cleaning your house but you make more money than me, and you make more money than my mother and you make more money than my grandma and your money comes from them and your money comes from me and i don’t know how to fix it and i wish i could just fix it

still i am invisible unless i crack and snap and pop and lock, still i am invisible unless i crack and snap and pop and lock and make you laugh and make you feel better about your gentrification and make you feel better about your objectification and make you feel better about your colonization and make you feel better, feel better

because when i don’t smile you are afraid

when i don’t smile you are afraid

I AM A LATINA THAT HAS THOUGHT ABOUT SUICIDE

I AM A LATINA THAT HAS THOUGHT ABOUT SUICIDE

I AM LATINA THAT GOT TATTOOS TO COVER UP THE TIMES I SLICED MYSELF UP WITH A BUTTERFLY KNIFE TO FIND MY WAY OUT OF THIS COCOON

I AM A LATINA THAT GOT TATTOOS TO COVER UP THE TIMES I SLICED MYSELF UP WITH A BUTTERFLY KNIFE TO FIND MY WAY OUT OF THIS COCOON.

did you know that? bet you didn’t know that. how could you know that? what do you see when you see me? bet you don’t see the butterfly wings bet you don’t see that carcass of skin beneath my thick hips, bet you don’t see where i crawled out of the ground, bet you don’t see my birth, bet you don’t see that i was born,

bet you don’t, bet you don’t

I AM A LATINA THAT HAS THOUGHT ABOUT THE END

I AM A LATINA THAT HAS THOUGHT ABOUT THE END

who has wanted so bad to be george bailey to lose hope on life and the world, to see how it doesn’t matter whether i live or die or had a wonderful life, who has wanted to stand on the edge a bridge and wait to see if an angel comes to me to show me my importance to say hey stay, to say hey fight, to say hey we need you, i am waiting, i am waiting, i wait. i wait for my movie ending. i wait for an angel to gets its wings because of me

I AM A LATINA THAT HAS NOT KILLED HERSELF

I AM A LATINA THAT HAS NOT KILLED HERSELF

i believe in the spiritual movements in the universe. i believe that my energy influences yours. i believe that spiritual violence lives in the air, i believe that we breathe it into our lungs and it finds itself in our dreams, i believe that whatever we put out affects those around us. i believe that you are drowning with me, that you are soaring with me, that you are standing on the edge of the bridge w me and we are holding hands, we are holding hands because if you’re not holding my hand then you are ready to push me off and i can’t believe that about you, i can’t believe that about you. i won’t believe that about you.

I AM A LATINA AND I LIVE

I AM A LATINA AND I LIVE

AND I AM ALIVE AND I KEEP ON LIVING

and you stand besides me because where else would you go because we share a blood line and a history and if it weren’t for your people and we are black people and we are brown people and we are mixed and we are yellow and mestiza and i belong to you and i belong to you and we are family, and our blood is red and some of my people belong to your bloodline and it’s a bloody mess isn’t it, but we’re all still here and this is my church and we are in worship and i honor you and i honor you and i honor and we will weep together and we will weep and i am weeping

AND I LIVE

AND I LIVE

AND I LIVE

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